Cast a worry

This morning on the way to work, I had a feeling that something will happen. It was not me to be blamed, however I still got the dirt from her emotion.

The day was done. It was on the way home.

Me: I am not a person who work without a reason. I am a not person who delay my work. I will try my best to use my time efficiently.

Spring: That is the rage of your worry talking.

Me: I don’t try to make myself look good if I am not. And I hope I don’t try to be anyone that I am not.

Spring: Know your fight (is not with them), but with your time here. You can only dream, but never pretend. Make friend with what you are. Give your heart, then change your mind (again) because you are allowed to do it.

I don’t like it, when she (or anyone) shout at me.

Who you love?

The rain has stopped for about 4 days. I was looking forward to another rain. I like it better. The rain makes better sounds than being alone. I think. As the fact that people laugh at sad stories.

Summer: Who you love?

Me: I’m afraid if he said that it was not me. Cos we both know that we don’t know which way to go. Some said his heart was too hot, too cold. It takes a little time. I shouldn’t run anymore.

Summer: Did you see him?

Winter: I hope he was not too hot, too cold.

Summer: Did you see him in your dream? Cos you can’t make yourself stop dreaming. Who you’re dreaming of.

Spring: Love is a verb. It is not something that you can wish or see. Even when you try to show it to someone. It’s not something to be handed to.

Autumn: I wish I know which way to go. It was too cloudy.

Spring: Just stay.

Me: How can I love if I’m afraid to fall (again)?

Winter: Close your eyes and clone yourself, build your heart an army to defend your innocence, while you do everything wrong. Don’t be scared to walk alone. Don’t be scared to like it. Give your heart and change your mind because you are allowed to do it. Somehow God knows what have it done to  you and you’ve got through it.

Me: Here I am. Stay still.

I’m waiting on the day. Will be you be there for me?



Heaven’s sunrise: I will be found

Some lost things , will be found.

Some lost things , will be found.


It has been about 21 months. Here.

Me: It doesn’t matter where you roam, where no one left to call you home. Someday I’ll think it is all okay. Some nights I’ll throw it all away. I’m a little lost at sea, I’m a little birdie in the big old tree. It was that one morning, I found it’s worthy to stay.

Sanur is located at the center part of the island. Around 6,5 miles from Kuta. The best sunrise on the island. Indeed. Best location to live. Best neighborhood. Budget friendly area too!

Me: They call me the breeze. I try to keep blow down the road.

Calm wave. Golden sand. Warm water. Nothing was more friendly than this earth.

Just remember on the way home. That you will never have to feel alone. Because when there are no bus, you can come on my truck. Just stay on the road.


Life: Belief

The sun was up. Wine and shine.

Me: I have a good life. However, why would I ask more? It is me being greedy.

Winter: There always something more to be explored. The universe is tiny but full. It is humane to be curious and ask for more.

Autumn: Have you had love?

Me: I don’t know. I should know. But I don’t.

Autumn: Do you believe of love?

Me: I’m not sure.

Spring: Belief is a magical armor that turn the strongest sword. It is like punching the dust, you will never get who you aimed for. Some probably need an exhibition, some may have known they tried.

Summer: We will never win the universe. You will never found love. If it’s belief that you are fighting with.

Me: Do you believe of love?

No sound. No answer. Silent.


The Real World: Mawun

Ponderosa Canopy. Painted all mahogany.

Ponderosa Canopy. Painted all mahogany.

It was a random journey. I was only planning to go west and turn on the first intersection.

Me: I saw a blossom leaves at the edge of the street. Take my step on to the sand and it was the beach. I blushed as they scooped me up with the sweetest salted air and gaze down on the city above, ablaze with wondrous things. In front of me. Downy wind kissed my cheek and flutter everywhere. Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

I didn’t see anything but the only one tree at that edge. Nothing else. No house. No restaurant. No nothing. The stretch was only a white sand. Long way up and down, east to west.

Me: From the belt of the canopy, the wild ocean look so pretty. Soft rumble water with greenish color. Clear water flashing flickering. Starry brush paint the dusk venetian blue. When the water spring up and their whispering fill the night. Because in the evening hush, you will never believe the view. Ponderosa canopy painted mahogany. I’d never leave if it were up to me.

I would never leave if it were up to me.

Love: The Power of Not Knowing. Forgiveness.

I close my eyes. Try to calm me down. The rain start again. The sun won’t come up today. The sky was grey.

Spring: Don’t blame yourself too much of what have happened. We all learn. And we all still learning. People change from day to day. He has changed before you were ready. But, you will change too. Those who are older. Those who are colder Suddenly embarrassed by their age. As they have not learned to be wise when they were younger.

Me: You are not trying to make me feel good, are you?

Spring: Our biggest blessing is being young. The power of not knowing where we belong. No wonder they try so hard to keep it. Maybe it was him that made you old. He stole whatever it was that made you glow. The heart that once open, now should be closed. You must forgive yourself. Move on and learn again.

I try to comprehend her words. I think it is true. Past will not last.

Dream come true: The Cayman Island

A Dream come true. Magical view. Fearless lad.

A Dream come true. Magical view. Fearless lad.

10 km south on the way to Gerupuk Beach from Kuta Tourist Central Area, Lombok. It was an unforgettable painting of the Almighty which I called it as The Cayman Island. The sand was white as snow, the water was blue as sky. The sun was bright where everyone has enough light to see the beauty. This beach was called Tanjung Aan.

If only they could see, if only they had been here, they would understand how someone could have chosen to go the length I’ve gone. To this place. Spending one day of riding from Bali just to see this.

Winter: Places are just the same. Only you are the one who make it different.

Me: I feel blessed. I was a sinner who get the chance to see the majesty of The Almighty. I can never pay this back. This memory that I’ve had.

It was a low season (for tourists), I guess. But, the only one restaurant at the beach was full. All tables has been reserved. I went there. They have many types of burgers and dessert. It was not cheap, everything was about 30,000 Rupiah or more. But, they are the only restaurant on this stretch of the shore. They must have better positioning points. No matter. People will still buy from them anyway. Including me.

Kids walking around these white girls offering some bracelets. They was probably about 7-12 years old. The bracelet was made of small string. I guess their mother made it, and it is their duty to sell it. Their family probably have taught them to life that way. The life of no choice. I wonder if they can picture another landscape, except only the beach.

Boy: Do you want to buy bracelet?

Me: No, I don’t

Boy: Please buy one. It’s cheap.

Me: How much is it?

Boy: For you I give 15,000 Rupiah for one bracelet.

Me: That’s expensive.

Boy: Okay I give you discount. But you must promise me that you will buy at least one. Oh no! At least two: one from me and one from my friend.

Another girl who also sell bracelet came.

Girl: Please one from me too!

Me: Oh no! I don’t need that many bracelets.

Boy: Okay, just buy 2 for 10,000 Rupiah. That is already a good price.

This boy is not only has gut and confident, but he also understand the meaning of friendship. Why would he care about his friend? He knew how to sell too. I was impressed. May be he has too many experience handling this kind of situation.

Me: Why are you here? You are suppose to be at school.

Boy: I have the class in the morning and in the evening. Afternoon working. So, which bracelet do you want?

I chose one bracelet from each of the kid. 15,000 Rupiah for three bracelet seemed fair for me. In that age: I can’t never be that brave. I can’t never be that wise.

The kids was too strong and fearless. The scene was too magical. This afternoon was a wisdom of life.


Love: Fake Messages

I took a deep breath to swim across this memory again. I sat at the porch. The rain stop, but the sun has not arrived.

Autumn: What happen with him?

Me: His last name was Hauters. I remember it because I thought that I will have his last name for my children. I thought I loved him. I thought he was the one. I was literally fall in love.

Autumn: Is he good?

Me: No. He was not good. I was fooled. He was a Belgian. He was married. He wife was pregnant.

Autumn: How did you guys meet?

Me: I was working at the restaurant owned by an Australian man. He was his friend. And that time Mr. Hauters was my manager. We suppose to work professionally. But I was stupid.

Winter: Did you make out with him?

Me: Not at the first day.

Autumn: How did it happen?

Me: It was a small restaurant. I suppose to give him weekly report on Friday night before closing. And that one Friday night, when everyone else was gone already, it was just the two of us at the restaurant. He ask me if I can go out with him that night. And I agreed.

Winter: Were you drunk?

Me: No. We went out only for dinner. It was that one Friday night when all of this sinful memory started. I knew he was married and I still went out with him, even for a dinner. I even knew that his wife was pregnant but I still say “yes” to everything he said.

Winter: What did he say? (That you say “yes”)

Me: It went on and on for maybe about 3 months later when finally he told me that he loved me by text. I was very delightful. It felt like I found a new world. A world where I can dig deep all the thirst of love that I was looking for all this time. He was romantic, kind and tender — all the good things about a man that I dream of.

Summer: How was it say? (The text)

Me: He said, “I will give up my family for you. You will be a part of my life.”

Summer: That’s beautiful.

Me: We went through a dangerous relationship. At the restaurant pretending that we don’t know each other and then make out when everyone else was gone. Every night. When his wife came to the restaurant, he accompanied her for breakfast, pretending nothing was wrong. It was a mistake. It was a big mistake.

No more question from them. They must have confirmed how stupid I was. It was a doomed decision.

Me: I was only looking for a justification. A justification that said “it was okay if we were together as long as we were happy”. I was happy.  I was very happy to be with him. At night he text me, “Good night Darling, have a sweet dream about our lives together. I love you and I miss you like crazy”. In the morning he text me, “Darling, get out of the bed and put on some clothes. You are already naked all morning and my mind gets very dirty. I miss you”. I was drowned into these fake messages. I thought it was real.

Winter: He is a jerk.

Autumn: I would probably be drowned for that situation.

Summer: I want to punch his face. But it was not all his fault. You also take part of it.

Me: I knew I was stupid. I was too scared to confess that probably love was never exist. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my heart that love will never last on that situation. But I was content with loneliness. Where all I can do is keeping a straight face. Pretending that I was okay. It was a mistake.

Spring: We learn. We all learn. You pay a life time to feel that emotion. You had it. You knew it. You are now probably wiser than before. I hope you do.

I cried.

Love: Are you real?

The rain stops. But not in my brain.

Me: What is this? Why do I feel like this? I don’t feel hungry but I feel grumpy.

Autumn: What are you thinking about? Was it him again?

Me: Not sure. Not really. Sometimes yes.

Autumn: What “about him” that you are thinking about right now?

Me: Oh, Autumn. You will not understand it.

Autumn: You judge me.

Me: Oh, sorry to make you feel that way. I don’t even understand how I feel. I confused. I obsessed. I’m afraid. May be is not about him anymore. I don’t know.

Autumn: Do you love him?

Me: I don’t know. Do you think he loves me?

Summer: Is not about him anymore now. It’s about you. Are you ready to love him?

Me: Does “love” even real?

Spring: It is in your mind, but it is real. It is a feeling. You can picture it in your brain even if you cannot touch it. You can control it. You can manage it. You can be it boss, if you strong.

Me: You mean, I should be strong when he left me?

Spring: Why do you think he will leave you?

Me: I don’t even know his feeling to me.

Spring: There are a lot of things that you don’t know in this mighty earth. For some of them you don’t have to know. What matter now: is you. Your decision. He will have his own decision.

Me: What if he decide to leave me? So then I have no choice.

Spring: Will he leave you?

Me: Probably not. But I don’t know.

Spring: Do you plan to leave him?

Me: No.

Spring: So you will stick with him?

Me: I hope so.

Summer: This is too early to state a judgement. One day you will able to decide, whether you want to be with him or not. It’s your call. He seems like a good kid. He seems honest and kind.

Winter: But he also very attractive, I mean to other females. He can be strongly flirtatious even if he did not mean to it. Girls easily lingering around him, talk to him all night. And he (of course) he will respond it with enthusiasm because he is very kind and nice. Even if he didn’t mean to make the girl to like him, she will easily falls. And of course like other men, they will not be very selective to whom they will sleep that night. Men are fooled by their eyes, you know. They see only beautiful girls.

Me: Stop saying such things, please. I knew it. But, I like him. I have feeling for him. But, I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to say it love. I wanted to be careful about classifying it. I don’t want to get hurt. It enough when love blinded me that time. It was hurt. I still can feel it. It hurts.

I can’t stop the tears. It was just happening. I was alone. It was not raining. I don’t like it when the memory revealed.

Kingdom of Clams at Are Guling

A hidden paradise. Coral Kingdom. Landslide.

A hidden paradise. Coral Kingdom. Landslide.

40 minutes drive through Are Guling hills from Kuta Tourist Central Area, Lombok: A truly hidden paradise repose behind brown-green-Albatros. Glass water make reflection of my face. Great Kingdom of Clams stand there facing the water, it disappears in the dark, when the water come up higher. I went there when the sun was setting. The water was calm and shallow. Light blue sky with the clouds hanging around my head, on the west part was mostly orange and red.

Arrived at the last turn of Are Guling village, a dead-end, the beach. This photo was taken at the most east part of that beach. It was about 20 minutes walk from the farm where I parked the motorbike. I was really excited when these two kids wanting to show me, what they call: A Secret Place. I don’t remember their names. But it was a boy and a girl.

I was carrying my camera, and they loved it when I took picture of them. I should have sent these pictures to them, or I should come back there someday.

Boy: Hey, would you like to go to a “secret place”?

Me: SURE! Where is it?

Boy: Me and My sister will take you there. It’s a place where you can touch the kingdom.

I didn’t know what he is talking about, but I followed him. It seems exciting. They lived here, they must know the location. We will not get lost.

Winter: Why did you follow them? It was not about getting lost. What if they suddenly brought you somewhere, kidnap you?

Me: Oh, no! I was not alone. I was with someone. Stop being so cold.

We walked through brown-yellow grain of sand. I remember the grain was so big that I can see one of the rounded-sand, maybe in this way I can count the sand one day. The sand was soft, it mold our footprint along the walk.

At the kingdom, we climbed up the rock. It was sharp, but not slippery. It was not even wet. There are people living in the rock. The clams. They live inside each holes. But they was not home (of course) when the rock was dry like this. They probably went for work, just like human. and then come home at dawn when the water come up again.

The boy visited his friend who live behind the rock. They played kite for a minute. His sister was sitting with me on the rock looking at this panorama (on the picture). She did not say a word. I assumed she was shy.

I wonder is this how life should be? Live on this beautiful land with no other access. On the night time when the water come up, you and your family capture between this high rocks. The Kingdom of Clams.

Spring: Do not judge them like that. They are happy with the way they live. Happiness is relative. You may have different definition and standard, they may have one too. What you think “happy for you” is not always the same for them.

I was speechless. The beach was too beautiful. The kingdom was too great. The feeling was absurd.