Category Archives: Me and The 4 Seasons

This is a journal of my journey with the four seasons who have been following me. They talk to me, they talk to themselves. My wish is to go to a new place every year. Welcome to the Wonderland!

Cast a worry

This morning on the way to work, I had a feeling that something will happen. It was not me to be blamed, however I still got the dirt from her emotion.

The day was done. It was on the way home.

Me: I am not a person who work without a reason. I am a not person who delay my work. I will try my best to use my time efficiently.

Spring: That is the rage of your worry talking.

Me: I don’t try to make myself look good if I am not. And I hope I don’t try to be anyone that I am not.

Spring: Know your fight (is not with them), but with your time here. You can only dream, but never pretend. Make friend with what you are. Give your heart, then change your mind (again) because you are allowed to do it.

I don’t like it, when she (or anyone) shout at me.

Who you love?

The rain has stopped for about 4 days. I was looking forward to another rain. I like it better. The rain makes better sounds than being alone. I think. As the fact that people laugh at sad stories.

Summer: Who you love?

Me: I’m afraid if he said that it was not me. Cos we both know that we don’t know which way to go. Some said his heart was too hot, too cold. It takes a little time. I shouldn’t run anymore.

Summer: Did you see him?

Winter: I hope he was not too hot, too cold.

Summer: Did you see him in your dream? Cos you can’t make yourself stop dreaming. Who you’re dreaming of.

Spring: Love is a verb. It is not something that you can wish or see. Even when you try to show it to someone. It’s not something to be handed to.

Autumn: I wish I know which way to go. It was too cloudy.

Spring: Just stay.

Me: How can I love if I’m afraid to fall (again)?

Winter: Close your eyes and clone yourself, build your heart an army to defend your innocence, while you do everything wrong. Don’t be scared to walk alone. Don’t be scared to like it. Give your heart and change your mind because you are allowed to do it. Somehow God knows what have it done to  you and you’ve got through it.

Me: Here I am. Stay still.

I’m waiting on the day. Will be you be there for me?

 

 

Life: Belief

The sun was up. Wine and shine.

Me: I have a good life. However, why would I ask more? It is me being greedy.

Winter: There always something more to be explored. The universe is tiny but full. It is humane to be curious and ask for more.

Autumn: Have you had love?

Me: I don’t know. I should know. But I don’t.

Autumn: Do you believe of love?

Me: I’m not sure.

Spring: Belief is a magical armor that turn the strongest sword. It is like punching the dust, you will never get who you aimed for. Some probably need an exhibition, some may have known they tried.

Summer: We will never win the universe. You will never found love. If it’s belief that you are fighting with.

Me: Do you believe of love?

No sound. No answer. Silent.

 

Love: The Power of Not Knowing. Forgiveness.

I close my eyes. Try to calm me down. The rain start again. The sun won’t come up today. The sky was grey.

Spring: Don’t blame yourself too much of what have happened. We all learn. And we all still learning. People change from day to day. He has changed before you were ready. But, you will change too. Those who are older. Those who are colder Suddenly embarrassed by their age. As they have not learned to be wise when they were younger.

Me: You are not trying to make me feel good, are you?

Spring: Our biggest blessing is being young. The power of not knowing where we belong. No wonder they try so hard to keep it. Maybe it was him that made you old. He stole whatever it was that made you glow. The heart that once open, now should be closed. You must forgive yourself. Move on and learn again.

I try to comprehend her words. I think it is true. Past will not last.

Love: Fake Messages

I took a deep breath to swim across this memory again. I sat at the porch. The rain stop, but the sun has not arrived.

Autumn: What happen with him?

Me: His last name was Hauters. I remember it because I thought that I will have his last name for my children. I thought I loved him. I thought he was the one. I was literally fall in love.

Autumn: Is he good?

Me: No. He was not good. I was fooled. He was a Belgian. He was married. He wife was pregnant.

Autumn: How did you guys meet?

Me: I was working at the restaurant owned by an Australian man. He was his friend. And that time Mr. Hauters was my manager. We suppose to work professionally. But I was stupid.

Winter: Did you make out with him?

Me: Not at the first day.

Autumn: How did it happen?

Me: It was a small restaurant. I suppose to give him weekly report on Friday night before closing. And that one Friday night, when everyone else was gone already, it was just the two of us at the restaurant. He ask me if I can go out with him that night. And I agreed.

Winter: Were you drunk?

Me: No. We went out only for dinner. It was that one Friday night when all of this sinful memory started. I knew he was married and I still went out with him, even for a dinner. I even knew that his wife was pregnant but I still say “yes” to everything he said.

Winter: What did he say? (That you say “yes”)

Me: It went on and on for maybe about 3 months later when finally he told me that he loved me by text. I was very delightful. It felt like I found a new world. A world where I can dig deep all the thirst of love that I was looking for all this time. He was romantic, kind and tender — all the good things about a man that I dream of.

Summer: How was it say? (The text)

Me: He said, “I will give up my family for you. You will be a part of my life.”

Summer: That’s beautiful.

Me: We went through a dangerous relationship. At the restaurant pretending that we don’t know each other and then make out when everyone else was gone. Every night. When his wife came to the restaurant, he accompanied her for breakfast, pretending nothing was wrong. It was a mistake. It was a big mistake.

No more question from them. They must have confirmed how stupid I was. It was a doomed decision.

Me: I was only looking for a justification. A justification that said “it was okay if we were together as long as we were happy”. I was happy.  I was very happy to be with him. At night he text me, “Good night Darling, have a sweet dream about our lives together. I love you and I miss you like crazy”. In the morning he text me, “Darling, get out of the bed and put on some clothes. You are already naked all morning and my mind gets very dirty. I miss you”. I was drowned into these fake messages. I thought it was real.

Winter: He is a jerk.

Autumn: I would probably be drowned for that situation.

Summer: I want to punch his face. But it was not all his fault. You also take part of it.

Me: I knew I was stupid. I was too scared to confess that probably love was never exist. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my heart that love will never last on that situation. But I was content with loneliness. Where all I can do is keeping a straight face. Pretending that I was okay. It was a mistake.

Spring: We learn. We all learn. You pay a life time to feel that emotion. You had it. You knew it. You are now probably wiser than before. I hope you do.

I cried.

Love: Are you real?

The rain stops. But not in my brain.

Me: What is this? Why do I feel like this? I don’t feel hungry but I feel grumpy.

Autumn: What are you thinking about? Was it him again?

Me: Not sure. Not really. Sometimes yes.

Autumn: What “about him” that you are thinking about right now?

Me: Oh, Autumn. You will not understand it.

Autumn: You judge me.

Me: Oh, sorry to make you feel that way. I don’t even understand how I feel. I confused. I obsessed. I’m afraid. May be is not about him anymore. I don’t know.

Autumn: Do you love him?

Me: I don’t know. Do you think he loves me?

Summer: Is not about him anymore now. It’s about you. Are you ready to love him?

Me: Does “love” even real?

Spring: It is in your mind, but it is real. It is a feeling. You can picture it in your brain even if you cannot touch it. You can control it. You can manage it. You can be it boss, if you strong.

Me: You mean, I should be strong when he left me?

Spring: Why do you think he will leave you?

Me: I don’t even know his feeling to me.

Spring: There are a lot of things that you don’t know in this mighty earth. For some of them you don’t have to know. What matter now: is you. Your decision. He will have his own decision.

Me: What if he decide to leave me? So then I have no choice.

Spring: Will he leave you?

Me: Probably not. But I don’t know.

Spring: Do you plan to leave him?

Me: No.

Spring: So you will stick with him?

Me: I hope so.

Summer: This is too early to state a judgement. One day you will able to decide, whether you want to be with him or not. It’s your call. He seems like a good kid. He seems honest and kind.

Winter: But he also very attractive, I mean to other females. He can be strongly flirtatious even if he did not mean to it. Girls easily lingering around him, talk to him all night. And he (of course) he will respond it with enthusiasm because he is very kind and nice. Even if he didn’t mean to make the girl to like him, she will easily falls. And of course like other men, they will not be very selective to whom they will sleep that night. Men are fooled by their eyes, you know. They see only beautiful girls.

Me: Stop saying such things, please. I knew it. But, I like him. I have feeling for him. But, I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to say it love. I wanted to be careful about classifying it. I don’t want to get hurt. It enough when love blinded me that time. It was hurt. I still can feel it. It hurts.

I can’t stop the tears. It was just happening. I was alone. It was not raining. I don’t like it when the memory revealed.

Life: What are we living for?

It was still raining. I still can see the water dripping at the corner of the porch. The sky was grey. I finally went in to my room, sat at my desk. I thought of what I should do. I was alone. I was trying so hard to remember what did my parent have taught me about life.

Me: I can pretend that I am not lonely, but I will be constantly fooling myself. I can pretend that I don’t matter, but I will be sitting here lie to myself.

Winter: What are you talking about? Why would you pretend to be someone you are not? Stop thinking about what people think of you. Do whatever you feel good to do. It is okay to be cold sometimes.

Me: I want someone there to hold. I just want somebody. All I want to be is warm when it is cold. I don’t want to be left scared and lonely.

Autumn: What did your parent say to you about this?

Me: Nothing.

Spring: Everybody wants something. They probably want the same things. It is normal to feel that way. Everybody feels the same. They are also afraid to be left scared and lonely. It’s okay.

Autumn: What is it? What do they need?

Me: Love?

Summer: Yup. You have got it. You have that. People mostly have that. But not many of them share it to other. They naturally keep it for themselves. Some of them do not realize that they have it. They hardly understand it.

Me: I don’t understand what you are saying. Love is relative, we all know that. We probably have different definition about what it is.

Silence. They say nothing. I probably being too complicated to them. The rain stops.

Congress of the 4 Seasons

I was alone, sitting at the porch. It was raining.

Me: Oh, Winter. I have never met you. But I can feel the cold. Tell Me. Tell me about him.

Me: Oh, Summer. Who has never end in the south-east. I cannot live without your warmest guidance and I will miss you for the rest of my life.

Me: Oh, Spring. I don’t know who you are. And I don’t know if you want me.

Me: Oh, Autumn. You are a stranger to me. I feel tired but I cannot sleep. Is it an excitement or a sadness? I feel like I don’t know him at all.

I was wondering if they will answer my wisdom. I was talking with no sound.

Winter: Cool down your thought. It is not always bad for being cold sometimes.

Autumn: You feel bad because you cannot sleep last night, that is all.

Me: Hey Autumn, how do you know that? I hardly know you.

Spring: It’s only walls that limits your sights. But your heart will always know.

Me: Really? Do you think so?

Summer: When you love someone, give them the warmest happiness hug. Never burn them with jealousy and suspicion.

Me: We were born alone, and we will die alone. Why am I so afraid to live alone? I do afraid of that. I confess.

Summer: Life is like a raw of movements. We move. Sometimes we stand still. But only sometimes. We mostly move a lot.

Winter: It is not always bad for being heartless. World is too crowded. You may ignore some of the event and focus on your goal. Maybe that is the best way to deal with it.

Autumn say nothing this time. She was just stare at me. I can see her. Her eyes was green.

Spring: We will never win the world. Let go of what you think you need to let go.

Me: Oh, Spring. You are so beautiful. Everyone loves you. You can choose whoever you want. But, I don’t feel that way. I don’t know how he feels to me.

Spring: Just believe that he feels the same. It is not a fool thing. It is your loyalty. Act only what you say. Hide nothing. His loyalty is as good as yours. Unless you change, nothing will be changed. Do just what you have to do.

Autumn: How come you don’t like your hair? (She asks for distraction.)

I don’t answer her question. I stared at the dropping rain. The water flows to the grass and disappear. It was a Saturday morning and I was awaiting for the sun to come up. I don’t know what season was it.