The rain stops. But not in my brain.
Me: What is this? Why do I feel like this? I don’t feel hungry but I feel grumpy.
Autumn: What are you thinking about? Was it him again?
Me: Not sure. Not really. Sometimes yes.
Autumn: What “about him” that you are thinking about right now?
Me: Oh, Autumn. You will not understand it.
Autumn: You judge me.
Me: Oh, sorry to make you feel that way. I don’t even understand how I feel. I confused. I obsessed. I’m afraid. May be is not about him anymore. I don’t know.
Autumn: Do you love him?
Me: I don’t know. Do you think he loves me?
Summer: Is not about him anymore now. It’s about you. Are you ready to love him?
Me: Does “love” even real?
Spring: It is in your mind, but it is real. It is a feeling. You can picture it in your brain even if you cannot touch it. You can control it. You can manage it. You can be it boss, if you strong.
Me: You mean, I should be strong when he left me?
Spring: Why do you think he will leave you?
Me: I don’t even know his feeling to me.
Spring: There are a lot of things that you don’t know in this mighty earth. For some of them you don’t have to know. What matter now: is you. Your decision. He will have his own decision.
Me: What if he decide to leave me? So then I have no choice.
Spring: Will he leave you?
Me: Probably not. But I don’t know.
Spring: Do you plan to leave him?
Spring: So you will stick with him?
Me: I hope so.
Summer: This is too early to state a judgement. One day you will able to decide, whether you want to be with him or not. It’s your call. He seems like a good kid. He seems honest and kind.
Winter: But he also very attractive, I mean to other females. He can be strongly flirtatious even if he did not mean to it. Girls easily lingering around him, talk to him all night. And he (of course) he will respond it with enthusiasm because he is very kind and nice. Even if he didn’t mean to make the girl to like him, she will easily falls. And of course like other men, they will not be very selective to whom they will sleep that night. Men are fooled by their eyes, you know. They see only beautiful girls.
Me: Stop saying such things, please. I knew it. But, I like him. I have feeling for him. But, I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to say it love. I wanted to be careful about classifying it. I don’t want to get hurt. It enough when love blinded me that time. It was hurt. I still can feel it. It hurts.
I can’t stop the tears. It was just happening. I was alone. It was not raining. I don’t like it when the memory revealed.