I took a deep breath to swim across this memory again. I sat at the porch. The rain stop, but the sun has not arrived.
Autumn: What happen with him?
Me: His last name was Hauters. I remember it because I thought that I will have his last name for my children. I thought I loved him. I thought he was the one. I was literally fall in love.
Autumn: Is he good?
Me: No. He was not good. I was fooled. He was a Belgian. He was married. He wife was pregnant.
Autumn: How did you guys meet?
Me: I was working at the restaurant owned by an Australian man. He was his friend. And that time Mr. Hauters was my manager. We suppose to work professionally. But I was stupid.
Winter: Did you make out with him?
Me: Not at the first day.
Autumn: How did it happen?
Me: It was a small restaurant. I suppose to give him weekly report on Friday night before closing. And that one Friday night, when everyone else was gone already, it was just the two of us at the restaurant. He ask me if I can go out with him that night. And I agreed.
Winter: Were you drunk?
Me: No. We went out only for dinner. It was that one Friday night when all of this sinful memory started. I knew he was married and I still went out with him, even for a dinner. I even knew that his wife was pregnant but I still say “yes” to everything he said.
Winter: What did he say? (That you say “yes”)
Me: It went on and on for maybe about 3 months later when finally he told me that he loved me by text. I was very delightful. It felt like I found a new world. A world where I can dig deep all the thirst of love that I was looking for all this time. He was romantic, kind and tender — all the good things about a man that I dream of.
Summer: How was it say? (The text)
Me: He said, “I will give up my family for you. You will be a part of my life.”
Summer: That’s beautiful.
Me: We went through a dangerous relationship. At the restaurant pretending that we don’t know each other and then make out when everyone else was gone. Every night. When his wife came to the restaurant, he accompanied her for breakfast, pretending nothing was wrong. It was a mistake. It was a big mistake.
No more question from them. They must have confirmed how stupid I was. It was a doomed decision.
Me: I was only looking for a justification. A justification that said “it was okay if we were together as long as we were happy”. I was happy. I was very happy to be with him. At night he text me, “Good night Darling, have a sweet dream about our lives together. I love you and I miss you like crazy”. In the morning he text me, “Darling, get out of the bed and put on some clothes. You are already naked all morning and my mind gets very dirty. I miss you”. I was drowned into these fake messages. I thought it was real.
Winter: He is a jerk.
Autumn: I would probably be drowned for that situation.
Summer: I want to punch his face. But it was not all his fault. You also take part of it.
Me: I knew I was stupid. I was too scared to confess that probably love was never exist. Maybe I know somewhere deep in my heart that love will never last on that situation. But I was content with loneliness. Where all I can do is keeping a straight face. Pretending that I was okay. It was a mistake.
Spring: We learn. We all learn. You pay a life time to feel that emotion. You had it. You knew it. You are now probably wiser than before. I hope you do.